Franklin P. Adams

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.

Jimmy Buffett

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

Roald Dahl

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

Albert Schweitzer

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Thornton Wilder

Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.

National Lampoon

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mark Twain

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

John Lithgow

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Peter da Silva

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Richard M. Nixon

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Mary Wilson Little

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

George F. Will

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

H. P. Lovecraft

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.

Jimmy Breslin

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.

Fred Allen

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

P. G. Wodehouse

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Robert Zend

There are too many people, and too few human beings.