Frederick Locker

The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as delightful

Bertrand Russell

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

Michael Pritchard

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

Tom Hanks

I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war or pick up a gun or get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.

Aesop

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.

Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

James Thurber

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Kevin Rose

I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better.

Mahatma Gandhi

In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.

Don Juan Manuel

He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have.

David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Ray Bradbury

We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Chester Bowles

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.

Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

Judith Martin

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

George Iles

Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student.

William S. Burroughs

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."

Zach Braff

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

Evan Esar

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

Aristotle

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Charles McCabe

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

Soren Kierkegaard

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Dale Carnegie

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.

Russell Baker

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Frank Dane

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

Scott Adams

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Sir Francis Bacon

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.

Robert Chapman

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion.

RJS

I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'

Plato

No human thing is of serious importance.

Martin Mull

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

Samuel Goldwyn

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

Sir Winston Churchill

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.

P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Ferdinand Foch

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.

Lucille S. Harper

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

David Hoselton

I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Mark Twain

It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.

Actions lie louder than words. - Carolyn Wells

rjs

Edgar Bergen

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. - rjs

Robert Orben

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it. - rjs

Queen Juliana

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.

George Orwell

Serious sport is war minus the shooting..

Paul Tillich

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it....

Peter Ustinov

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal...

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'...

Al Mcguire

Winning is only important in war and surgery..

Harry S Truman

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell....

Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

George Burns

The secret of success is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made..