Joe Martin

If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Sir Frederick G. Banting

No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit.

Ellen DeGeneres

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Laurence J. Peter

There is no stigma attached to recognizing a bad decision in time to install a better one.

Pierre Beaumarchais

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

Douglas Adams

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

Clever...

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Dennis Miller

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Amos Bronson Alcott

Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression.

Herbert Rappaport

I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some.

G. M. Trevelyan

Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.

Stanislaw J. Lec

Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin.

Immanuel Kant

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

George F. Will

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Peter McArthur

Every successful enterprise requires three men - a dreamer, a businessman, and a son of a bitch.

Noelie Altito

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Mark B. Cohen

Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.

De La Lastra's Law

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Elbert Hubbard

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.

Miss Piggy

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Mark Twain

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.