Adrienne E. Gusoff

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

John Gaule

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

Granville Hicks

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Franklin P. Adams

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.

Jimmy Buffett

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

Roald Dahl

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

Albert Schweitzer

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Thornton Wilder

Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.

National Lampoon

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mark Twain

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

John Lithgow

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Peter da Silva

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Richard M. Nixon

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Mary Wilson Little

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

George F. Will

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

H. P. Lovecraft

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.

Jimmy Breslin

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.

Fred Allen

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

P. G. Wodehouse

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Robert Zend

There are too many people, and too few human beings.

Benjamin Franklin

At the working man's house hunger looks in but dares not enter.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.

George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

William James

The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

Bernard Bailey

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire.

Victor Borge

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Harry S Truman

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Henry David Thoreau

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Dorothy Nevill

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Darrin Weinberg

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Vince Lombardi

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Robert Bakker

I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.

Segal's Law

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Eric Sevareid

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Samuel Johnson

Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

J. Bartlett Brebner

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

Bill Watterson

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Frank Zappa

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Ronald Reagan

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.