Bertrand Russell

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations.

Jane Wagner

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Robert Anthony

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.

George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

L. M. Boyd

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.

Charles Baudelaire

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.

Walter Winchell

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.

Doug Larson

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

Matt Groening

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

George Bernard Shaw

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Peter Beckmann

Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit.

Oscar Wilde

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

Bradley's Bromide

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.

Penn Jillette

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.

Doris Egan

Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.