Granville Hicks

A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to.

Franklin P. Adams

Elections are won by men and women chiefly because most people vote against somebody rather than for somebody.

Jimmy Buffett

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.

Roald Dahl

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

Albert Schweitzer

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Thornton Wilder

Life is an unbroken succession of false situations.

National Lampoon

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Mark Twain

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

John Lithgow

Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.

Peter da Silva

Ahhh. A man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it away from him before he cuts himself.

George Bernard Shaw

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Richard M. Nixon

Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too.

Mary Wilson Little

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

George F. Will

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

H. P. Lovecraft

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.

Jimmy Breslin

Rage is the only quality which has kept me, or anybody I have ever studied, writing columns for newspapers.

Fred Allen

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

P. G. Wodehouse

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Robert Zend

There are too many people, and too few human beings.

Benjamin Franklin

At the working man's house hunger looks in but dares not enter.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.

George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

William James

The greatest use of life is to spend it for something that will outlast it.

Bernard Bailey

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire.

Victor Borge

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Harry S Truman

I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.

Henry David Thoreau

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

Dorothy Nevill

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Darrin Weinberg

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

Vince Lombardi

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.

Robert Bakker

I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.

Segal's Law

A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.

Eric Sevareid

Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.

Samuel Johnson

Read over your compositions, and wherever you meet with a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

J. Bartlett Brebner

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

Bill Watterson

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Frank Zappa

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

Ronald Reagan

The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.

Joe Martin

If it weren't for my lawyer, I'd still be in prison. It went a lot faster with two people digging.

Sir Frederick G. Banting

No one has ever had an idea in a dress suit.

Ellen DeGeneres

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Laurence J. Peter

There is no stigma attached to recognizing a bad decision in time to install a better one.

Pierre Beaumarchais

If a thing isn't worth saying, you sing it.

Douglas Adams

He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.

Clever...

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Dennis Miller

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Amos Bronson Alcott

Devotees of grammatical studies have not been distinguished for any very remarkable felicities of expression.

Herbert Rappaport

I hope that while so many people are out smelling the flowers, someone is taking the time to plant some.

G. M. Trevelyan

Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.

Stanislaw J. Lec

Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin.

Immanuel Kant

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

George F. Will

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.

Peter McArthur

Every successful enterprise requires three men - a dreamer, a businessman, and a son of a bitch.

Noelie Altito

The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Mark B. Cohen

Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate.

De La Lastra's Law

After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.

Elbert Hubbard

If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate.

Miss Piggy

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Mark Twain

A human being has a natural desire to have more of a good thing than he needs.

Wernher von Braun

I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution.

Woodrow Wilson

A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits.

Peter Beckmann

Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit. ~~~

Sir William Osler

One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.

Oscar Wilde

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

Ambrose Bierce

Politics: The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Sir Winston Churchill

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

James Carr

I don't have an English accent because this is what English sounds like when spoken properly.

Mario Andretti

If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough

Raj J Salecha

Giving love is the greatest pleasure of life.

Dean Acheson

Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Bertrand Russell

People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation.

Toshihiro Kawabata

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and he'll eat for weeks!

Clarence Darrow

Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?

Franklin P. Jones

One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.

Laurence J. Peter

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

Benjamin Disraeli

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Bertrand Russell

A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations.

Jane Wagner

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Robert Anthony

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.

George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

L. M. Boyd

There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.

Charles Baudelaire

It is by universal misunderstanding that all agree. For if, by ill luck, people understood each other, they would never agree.

Walter Winchell

Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation.

Doug Larson

Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

Matt Groening

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

George Bernard Shaw

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.

Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.'

Peter Beckmann

Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit.

Oscar Wilde

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.

Bradley's Bromide

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Gian Vincenzo Gravina

A bore is a man who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.

Mark Twain

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know.

Penn Jillette

Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving.

Doris Egan

Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule.