Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

James Thurber

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Kevin Rose

I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better.

Mahatma Gandhi

In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place.

Don Juan Manuel

He who praises you for what you lack wishes to take from you what you have.

David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Ray Bradbury

We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.

Chester Bowles

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.

Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

Judith Martin

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

George Iles

Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student.

William S. Burroughs

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."

Zach Braff

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

Evan Esar

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

Aristotle

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Charles McCabe

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

Soren Kierkegaard

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Dale Carnegie

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.

Russell Baker

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.