Chester Bowles

Government is too big and too important to be left to the politicians.

Dan Quayle

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

Judith Martin

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

George Iles

Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student.

William S. Burroughs

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."

Zach Braff

I'm kind of jealous of the life I'm supposedly leading.

Evan Esar

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow.

Aristotle

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.

Charles McCabe

Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.

Soren Kierkegaard

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

Dale Carnegie

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.

Russell Baker

Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

Frank Dane

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

Scott Adams

Nothing inspires forgiveness quite like revenge.

Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Sir Francis Bacon

If a man will begin with certainties, he shall end in doubts; but if he will be content to begin with doubts he shall end in certainties.

Robert Chapman

A quotation, like a pun, should come unsought, and then be welcomed only for some propriety of felicity justifying the intrusion.

RJS

I'm not worried about the bullet with my name on it... just the thousands out there marked 'Occupant.'

Plato

No human thing is of serious importance.

Martin Mull

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

Samuel Goldwyn

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.

Sir Winston Churchill

I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents.

P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

Ferdinand Foch

None but a coward dares to boast that he has never known fear.

Lucille S. Harper

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

David Hoselton

I'm a jerk to everyone. Best way to protect yourself from lawsuits.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.

Mark Twain

It was enough to make a body ashamed of the human race.

Actions lie louder than words. - Carolyn Wells

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Edgar Bergen

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Franklin P. Jones

The trouble with jogging is that, by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. - rjs

Robert Orben

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

Francois de La Rochefoucauld

The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it. - rjs

Queen Juliana

I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.

George Orwell

Serious sport is war minus the shooting..

Paul Tillich

Cynically speaking, one could say that it is true to life to be cynical about it....

Peter Ustinov

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal...

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'...

Al Mcguire

Winning is only important in war and surgery..

Harry S Truman

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell....

Will Rogers

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

George Burns

The secret of success is sincerity. If you can fake that, you've got it made..

Albert Einstein

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results....

Walter Winchell

Success is the reward of anyone who looks for trouble..

Franklin P. Jones

Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger....

Wilson Mizner

Be nice to people on your way up, because you'll meet them on your way down...

Christoph Lichtenberg

What a blessing it would be if we could open and shut our ears as easily as we open and shut our eyes!... rjs

Johnny Cash

Success means having to worry about every damn thing in the world, except money..

Isaac Asimov

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right....

Murray Koffler

My formula for success is dress british, look irish, think jewish...

George Bernard Shaw

A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell....

Oscar Wilde

Work is the curse of the drinking Classes...

Hunter S. Thompson

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro....

Oscar Wilde

Work is the refuge of those who have nothing better to do..

Pierre Beaumarchais

It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them....

Leo Rosten

If you want people to think you're wise, just agree with them.

Jane Caminos

A waist is a terrible thing to mind....

Philip Gibbs

It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same..

Richard Feynman

There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers....

Kin Hubbard.

If you want to get rid of somebody, just tell them something for their own good..

Peter Ustinov

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.....

Erica Jong

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answers but wish we didn't..

Lily Tomlin

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?...

Adlai Stevenson

Flattery hurts no one- so long as you don't inhale...

William Gibson

The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet...

La Rochefoucauld

Gratitude is merely a secret hope of further favours...

Charles M. Schulz

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love...

Kin Hubbard

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt...

Malcolm Bradbury

The english are polite by telling lies. The americans are polite by telling the truth..

Abraham Lincoln

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves... RJS

Oscar Wilde

Vulgarity is simply the conduct of other people..

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite... Winston Churchill

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Every man likes the smell of his own farts.. Icelandic proverb.

rjs

More people will get out of ur way if u say i'm about to puke, then if u say 'Excuse Me'..Sally bager

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Etiquette is knowing how to yawn with your mouth closed...Herbert P

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The nice thing about egoists is that they dont talk about other people..Lucy Harper

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To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance..Oscar Wilde

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An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.. Ambrose Bierce

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Some of the greatest love affairs i have known involved one actor, unassisted...Wilson Mizner

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An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it...Alan Reed

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I have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them... Jimmy Hoffa

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It's innocence when it charms us, ignorance when it doesn't..Mignon McLaughlin

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Gentility is what's left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone... John Ciardi

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People in a temper often say a lot of silly things that they really mean... Penelope Gilliat

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Confidence is simply that quite, assured feeling ou have before you fall flat on ur face.. L Binder

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No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating 1 peanut... Channing Pollock.

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I have my standards. They may be low, but i have them.. Bette Midler

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Experience is a comb life gives you after you lose your hair... Judith Stern

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The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest abt it... James agate

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My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.. Benjamin Disraile

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Men achieve a certain greatness unawares, when working to another aim. ...Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Divorce can be seen as the legal alternative to murder... Jeff Fox

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When ideas fail, words come in very handy. - Johann Wolfgang

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Adultery is the application of democracy to love....H.L.Mencken

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Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination. - Bill Watterson

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My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

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Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. - Mark Twain

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If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. - Ludwig Wittgenstein

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Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery... Denis Norden

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